‘We are all immortal because love goes on.’
Hi, my name is Adam Light, and here is my story. I grew up in a loving family, a Christian home, surrounded by good friends and family. I enjoyed school, mostly recess and playing class clown in elementary, my teacher then had me tested for ADHD negative. The peace and simplicity of childhood was wonderful, I started reading from a young age and read almost every night, what first was entertainment and creative wonder later became a means of escape from my own thoughts, partly silencing my own and settling me for sleep.
School gave me a sense of community which I never understood till the absence of it after high school. I made some mistakes and kept them hidden away as they built up and grew in damaging strength, guilt overcame me and I found myself at a loss of words. I developed bipolar disorder and found myself in a mental hospital after losing my first girl friend to a break up and having being induced to vomiting though I was not sick.
Writing became an outlet for my depression, my writing which first was very dark and a necessity as my friends grew tired of me talking of my feelings still held for a girl who no longer wanted me. My reason for writing grew and grew and the depth of my need for writing a long with it. I didn’t want to rush into post secondary, I really wanted to do some real soul-searching and had plans to travel before I enrolled. I picked up guitar and piano because I thought it was cool, but these as well grew into more than I expected.
Often finding myself with deep thoughts but not the means to express them I wondered if maybe they just felt deep and were truly just simple, I could not accept this. In pondering on my ideal job I held a belief that I could succeed, a stubbornness about me, with all the time invested in a job I did not wish to waste this precious time, letting people’s negative beliefs develop insecurity within me, I later found an ability to trust myself, to respect the opinions of those I respected and to hold tightly to my ideals. I was always thinking to the point of obsession, thinking upon my day past, promising always that tomorrow was the day I would change, ‘Tomorrow would be real, say just how I feel.’ Holding back words of kindness out of fear of being overly exposed I suppose. With the forever guidance of people, people I highly regarded, I found a beauty and appreciation for life, finding the connect in everything.
I learned to understand that the imagination is infinite, and took great joy from creation, composing my own songs and drifting in thought. Often reading a page getting lost in my own thoughts and therefore reading very slowly, Up and down, as I didn’t want to miss a detail, absorb every intention. In planning my dream job I wanted something that would not only benefit myself, but others as well, I wanted to inspire, to promote positive change, to do my part in influencing the world for the better. My time in the hospital was inspiring as the community was heart warming, those suffering from a deep sadness were quick to open up, quick to honesty and slow to fear exposing themselves.
Deep friendships formed quickly with this lack of fear, no fear of judgment. Introduced to the shiver inspiring spontaneity of the weird and whacky, a girl spinning with her arms out, a man-eating different coloured flowers and commenting on the taste, a walk around the beautiful grounds. Surrounded by support and an infinitely unique crowd I found my happiness again. A baby grande piano, a snooker table, great food. This was the community people should aspire to.
Later in life, a broken leg lead me to being housebound and to an online chat, which soon became a home away from home, just as the hospital. A place to share my thoughts with no fear of repercussion, no one to hold you accountable for mistakes or quick angry words later to find regret. Everything began to connect, writing, music, philosophy, love, yearning, dreams, friendship, family, goals, and as my writing expanded I learned to write in my head, I started writing poems while preoccupied with walking to a destination, this was found on my discovery of playing songs and finding words that really spoke to me, only to have to write them down and lose my tempo and rhythm.
I learned that if a thought speaks to you, it will never be lost, so I didn’t have to write everything down, and it could be lost but my mind had shifted. Playing music and not being able to recreate it went from being frustrating to a beautiful thing, accepting that I did not have to share it with others to experience the joy. As I found my beautiful ideal I knew there was nothing that could stop me from achieving my goal. I once heard that ‘We are all immortal because love goes on,’ this gave me comfort as I struggled with Christianity and the idea of immortality, as I drifted from God and learned to find peace in death, I found myself becoming closer to the idea of God. I had my ideals, my goal, and I knew I was on the right path, as others believed in me it gave me further drive, self-worth, a belief that my mistakes were not in vain, that a positive can come from every negative. The world became more grand and I came more and more blissful.
I once believed that once true happiness found it was a constant, never drifting away, but from the guidance of others I learned that this was untrue, that we must cope with the fact that sadness will keep surfacing, but I learned to understand that happiness was never far away, sometimes just only as far as tomorrow. When I came to understand my growing abilities I understood that I had a learned talent one of which I should never abuse, patiently waiting for the right time to stop ambitiously procrastinating. This moment is now, I will become proactive and discover a deeper bliss, as I aspire and inspire my love of the world and people, I will lead others to this comfort I have found from others.
The Message of My Story…
Love and true intentions will always be just and worthwhile, a reason to keep fighting.